Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Are my feet made of real feet?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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