3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
