your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
