I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
