420 ftw
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
