respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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