dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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