chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
