I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
