Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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