I need help removing her.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
