you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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