Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
