my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
