My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
