the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
