Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
