I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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