Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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