in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
