I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
