i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
