can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
