It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
