Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
