she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
