we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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