Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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