I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
