Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
and you said cock pushups were impossible
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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