On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
