whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
