my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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