My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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