please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS VDIEPO BECAUSE I AMS ENDIONG A LOKT OF EFFORT RECORIDNG IT
I ONLY PARTIALLY KNOW WHAT YOU SAID. BUT I THINK I WILL LIKE IT.
I effort
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
