Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
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