Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize