Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
