Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
