just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
