NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
