you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
