HIV tests are more positive than that guy
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
