dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
