new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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