I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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