nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So apparently I’m into choking now
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