I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
this hospital has no fireball
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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