Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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