the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
