I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
