It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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