I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
