Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize