Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Rumble strips road head = magical
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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