Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
