i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
