Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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