So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
