It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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