new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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