dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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